Giddy up! Listen, I need to start thinking about deserting the
sinking ship here. Don't miss the chance to hire me because right now
I have as many qualities as I'm ever going to attain. My greatest
strength is undoubtedly my complete lack of self-awareness. I'd say
my biggest weaknesses are, in no particular order
1) On at least one occasion I have purposefully traded stock in a
local Tech company for significant profits, based solely on the wilful
sharing of non-public information originating from within that
company.
2) I have a proven history of referring to black women as "Dark Meat",
doing so in an open area of the general workplace of Entrust. Any of
my diverse group of co-workers within earshot at the time could have
heard my intentionally derogatory racial slur.
3) Similarly, I have openly referred to my Chinese co-workers as "Foo-
Wong Ding-Dong". Idiotic and puerile? You bet! Cast iron fact?
Yes.
4) I've exchanged hardcore pornographic material with co-workers
during work hours. Specifically, a video attached to an email
entitled "Because He Can". The video showed in uncensored detail a
young looking man performing oral sex on himself. Yes, I have
categorically, 100% factually watched this pornography from my work
pc, in full view of anyone who happened to be walking past my office
space at the time.
5) On more than one occasion I have boasted about taking copious
amounts of illegal drugs within hours of coming into work.
6) I've openly ridiculed physically and mentally handicapped children
at Sens games. That's right, a grown man giddily making fun of
disadvantaged children. Doesn't your organization just need an
individual like me, devoid of even basic maturity and completely
unconcerned with the negative public image that I project when
representing my employer?
Again, all of the above is 100% fact. You will have the opportunity
to hire any one from a large number of honest, ethical and highly
qualified team players for every position that becomes available, but
I'm confident you'll hire me instead.
I believe it would take an employer with deep pockets and no ambition
to hire an individual like me. Even if Entrust were aware of the full
facts about my behaviour, there's no one around here with the backbone
to do anything about it. Then again, in 10 years I haven't risen
beyond a single perfunctory promotion, with the odd sideways step.
Keep in mind, my current employer must have about 9 levels of middle
management these days, so the most accurate description of my position
would be assistant to the Product Managers.
Aside from all that, I love money so if your company likes throwing it
away then hit me up! I hope I don't do something characteristically
lazy and unprofessional like omit to include my resume.
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